19 Questions You Should Never Ask Your Flight Attendant
You
know how miserable it is to fly? The crying babies, the perpetual delays, the
fistfights breaking out over reclined seats. Now imagine you did that every…
single… day. And you didn’t get paid much for it either.
Welcome to the life
of a flight attendant, where you may get to travel the world, but you have to
do it with all the people who make the world such a miserable place.
Since we’ve already
learned what we’re doing to piss off the flight attendant,
this time we thought it’d be fun to find out what we’re saying to make
them equally as irate. We talked to an army of air hosts and uncovered the 21
passenger questions that will absolutely send them off the rails.
1. “Am
I going to make my connection?”
Well, let’s see… we
just collected your empty cup, it’s 1:15 p.m., and your connecting flight
leaves at 1:20 p.m. Let’s shake the old Magic 8 Ball here aaaaaaand … signs
point to “No.”
2. “Why can’t I use
the first-class bathroom?”
Because if we let
anyone just use it, it wouldn’t be the first-class bathroom.
3. “Why
do I have to check my bag?”
Simple. This entire
plane if full of jerks who stuffed the overhead bins with winter coats and pet
rock collections. Maybe they’ll all chip in for your bag fee.
4. “Do you know if
this meal is gluten free?”
The answer to this
question is always “yes.” That “sensitivity” to gluten, it’s in your head.
5. “Why
are we delayed?”
Look out the
window. See how the tarmac resembles Lambeau Field in January? MAYBE that’s
why. Maybe.
6. “So, are you in
the mile-high club?”
Right now, I’m
strangely jealous of the women at the bar who you use such stupid lines on. At
least they can smack you.
7.
“What are we flying over?”
Brown stuff. Or
blue stuff. Or black stuff with yellow dots. One of those.
8. “Will you help
me lift my bag?”
Because of workers
comp rules we’re not allowed to, but a word of advice to help you avoid this
problem in the future: CHECK YOUR LARGE BAGS! It only costs $25, and from the
smell of your breath, it’s clear you just dropped at least that much at the
airport bar.
9. “Do
you have anything for my child to eat?”
When you booked the
flight, did you somehow forgot that your small child needs to dine around this
time? Stellar parenting, well done. Have some cheddar stick snack mix.
10.
Where is my seat?
You’re in 21A, so
we’d say right under the placard that says “14” on the side marked “DEF”. It’s
a fun little game we like to play with passengers.
11. Will they hold
the plane?
We’re gonna almost
always say yes, mostly so that you calm down and don’t ask our other favorite
question: “Can we get off the plane first?”. But the truth is, unless there’s a
large group of you connecting to the same flight (or it’s crazy expensive to rebook
you), they’re not inconveniencing 200 other people just for you.
12.
“Will my bag make it?”
That would be a
great question if we were large dudes dressed in coveralls and fluorescent
yellow vests, and working on the tarmac.
13.
“When will the weather improve?”
We’ll take it as a
compliment that you think we could pass for the weather women on your local FOX
affiliate, but as it stands, we possess neither meteorological training nor
extra silicone.
14. “Is there
something more appropriate for my child to watch?”
Yes. The back of
his eyelids.
15.
“Can you check to see if I got an upgrade?”
That app, which I
can clearly see open on your phone, says you’re number 45 on the upgrade list
for a flight with 20 first-class seats. It isn’t lying to you. But I might.
16. “Do
you have any blankets?”
If you’re that
hellbent on getting Chlamydia, there are much funner ways.
17. “Do
the pilots know how to land this thing?”
No, we actually
just took a couple of Hare Krishnas from baggage claim, dressed them up like
Captain Stubing, and prayed for the best. That’s cool, right?
18. “Do
you have any empty seats in business class/first class/exit row i can sit in?”
Do you have a debit
card with at least $89 on it? Then yes.
19. “Are we going
to be safe flying over Cuba?”
The last thing a
country that can’t afford road construction wants to do is shoot down an
American passenger jet. Please: sit back, relax, and enjoy some totally
gluten-free pretzels.
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